DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
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Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
This is so me 😂😂
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk