Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these