How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.