Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
The Onion called it…again.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.