waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”