Oh the world we live in…
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me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation