I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
How to make infinite energy.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.