if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably