Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
You Might Also Like
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I’m ready for Halloween this year
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”