I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.