WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I got bills
They’re multiplying
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Sheep
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.