Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
#SuperBowl
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I hate everything
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.