Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.