Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You Might Also Like
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
😂 amazing answer
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.