I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
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“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
life finds a way
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now