Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.