After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.