Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
The news
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?