I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.