I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.