You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
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Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.