Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.