“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task