White parent Vs Arab parents
You Might Also Like
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.