Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
You Might Also Like
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.