The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush