I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.