me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Practicing safe sax
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you