This meal prepping shit is easy
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What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
wtf management?!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*looks at you in batman voice*
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]