The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Story of my life…..
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad