[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
*limbos under the caution tape
Watson was Holmes schooled
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Not even remotely sorry.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.