Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?