I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
You Might Also Like
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh