me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
New Tinder profile.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.