8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
#milo
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
no one likes gloating
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.