Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Tremendous stuff
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”