“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You Might Also Like
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
how was your vacation
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper