I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.