My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up