“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Why does laundry happen to good people?