Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.