I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.