you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.