Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
2022 will be better than 2021
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Donkey Kong sommelier
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready