ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!