A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
You got this…
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”