There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!