Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
For anyone who needs this today
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider