🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
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The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.