Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
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Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”